Suki desu, arigato

We aren't even in a relationship.
I wonder is this a breakup?
Tbh, I think it's a selfish act of getting closure.
It's been two good months.
Plenty to laugh, plenty to sob over.
Nevertheless, it's memories that I had with you.
Some might say it's was a mistake from the very beginning, I still beg to differ.
I was given a choice and I acted on it.
Known for acting from the heart rather the brain, it's costed me any pain and heartache.
Perhaps it time to learn that pigs don't fly, there's no pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow, not all fairy tales have a happy ending.

Finally grow up join the rank of boring working class, concentrate on doing work that means nothing to me and move towards that one goal that everyone seems to yearn for : a better future ie better career and more money.
Stray away from simplicity and happiness.
Happiness is shared not created. Happiness comes from within.

Head over heels

The first time I met her was on a Friday.
Based on first impression, I was not attracted to her whatsoever.
I was even slightly annoyed bcos I had to wait a long time for her(not entirely her fault).

The second time, I met her was when I was "forced" to pick her up from the airport a week later on a Sunday night.

6 and a half days with 18/7 spent together.
I lost my bearings and found myself sinking in sea of endless death.
I fell for someone that's already taken.

Happiness' sadness

Thoughts that linger about my mind

1) Moving on from love is possible but forgetting is not.

If you have love with sincerity, no matter why the relationship ended, there will also be a void in you heart.
Love is something that you give and receive, it cannot be bought with money nor can it be stolen.
Fond memories, the warm feeling you once had.
Sorrow,it still aches sometimes.


2) Work hard and you will still fail
Work hard for your future and one day you will succeed.
It's an illusion, chasing your own shadow.
Your perspective of the world narrows and you focus on how to succeed on your own.
Forgetting that, succeed is sweeter together than alone.
Not knowing that, being alone means that succeed is not achievable as you constantly fail to recognise it.
Always wanting more and demanding more.
Until, one day, you start spiraling downhill, you have lost your bearings.
Self criticizing as you are envious of the achievement of others.
Sometimes, life can be unfair or is it ?
Who knows ? What did the other person had to undergo to be where there are today ?
After all, we all want to be heard but no one wants to listen.


3) You can't be sad over something you never had (I wonder)

Sukidesu.

Unrequited love. It is impossible.
At times, guilt flows over me and I wonder if what I am doing is wrong.
I know it will never be but still should I stop being nice to her ?
Drawing lines doesn not work.
(Same concept as diets)
I have come to terms to a certain extend.
I wish her all the happiness in the world when the right person comes along, I will accept and welcome him.
Thou shalt not be an arse.
Feeling pain is better than being emotionless.
I wont stop either.
This I will keep until the right time comes.

Today is my last day for this chapter

We are not promised tomorrow.
At this exact moment, I feel at peace.
I have either lived a very bitter nor happy life.

Many people have touched me during my lifetime.
So left deeper marks than others.
Feelings of love, hurt and confusion.
They are all part of me.

Do not misunderstand me.
I am not leaving.
I am just commencing a new chapter.
In others words, I am no longer gripping onto the past.

So long, my life in Australia.
So long, the people in it.

It's been a decent ride.
Arigato.

A box full of memories

I like collecting items that meant something to me at a point in life.
A letter,note, picture or gift.
You name it, I have probably kept it.

Wearing my high school tie while i look through.
I have decided to decluster my life, starting by removing all the negative.
Tie on my shirt, darn it feel so good.

I have been doing a little reflection lately.
I remember wanting boy haircut when I was young.
I remember never enjoying wearing a dress nor playing barbie dolls.
The only ones I have was those of Mulan and Captain Cheng.

I think I knew but it was known to me.
I have fallen in love with so many of the same gender.

I wonder what happens if I was actually placed in the wrong body to begin with ?
Can gender identity be irrelevant ?

Love's sorrow

Love and Hurt
Because we love we hurt

I guess that's the only way
I mean would it be possible to just Love and have endless love without ever knowing hurt ?

Meaningless time.
Time that passes without any memorable moment.
I have been having alot of it.

Countless time, I have wanted to give up and just stop living.
Day in and day out.
What's the point ?
Anger, grief and sadness is all I feel.

Holding onto a thread of hope

What if there is no silver lining ?
No rainbow after the rain.

Am I blind not to see it or does it not exist.
Imagine hiking a mountain and at the peak , all you see is nothing.
You are back to square one.

What does all the pain and suffering represent ?
What a waste of time !
Yet I find myself, holding onto a rope of hope.
Day by day, I see the thread break off.
My hand drenched in blood.
I feel like letting go.

It will all be gone one day.

I am struggling.
I find myself, zoning out into nothing.
Time passes without me realizing it.
Everything seems meaningless.
My life has started to lose its color.
Familiar faces seems so distant, unrecognizable.

This, this was unplanned, I never thought this could happen.
I never thought I could sink so low.
Negative thoughts pays me a visit every now and then.
Oddly, I have no desire to live nor to die.
Probably because no one knows if death is better.


All I feel is self-pity.
When will I wake up from this nightmare ?

How NOT to heal a broken heart

It's in my belief that the heart and the mind are connected.
All physical wounds will eventually heal.
Perhaps the damaged part could be restored  to its original function.
But it would never revert back to it's original state.
Sometimes, the body becomes stronger by building muscle around the affected part.
Much could be said about that.
I dont think I should elaborate much on it
What do I know anyway, I am just here to talk about myself.

What about the matters of the heart ?
I wonder if you could break a heart, metaphorically speaking, beyond repair that one could never love or love normally again.

Sad music makes you want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it.
Being alone, makes you want to lock yourself up and be consumed by the silence.
Watching romance genre material makes you feel pathetic and you give up on doing anything because you are convinced that nothing can ever fill the void.
Spending all your time on the net, finding things that you don't need, just wasting time, destroying yourself.
Looking down because you dont want to have any connection with anyone else.
Keeping quietly as you are afraid that you'll start brawling and breakdown.

Tick Tock Tick Tock,
Time slipping past  my bare hands.
Nothing can ever be right again.
Broken heart = Broken Spirit = destined to fail at everything

The heart affects the mind and the mind affect the body.
Everything starts and ends with the heart.

Now is when I stop fantasizing because my heart has withered.

Downhill, destination rock bottom

I cannot pinpoint when my life started going downhill.
I cannot remember the last time I was happy.
The slope seems endless,every time I thought I was at rock bottom, I sink further.

At one point, I lift my head up.
Annoyed by a foreign yet familiar stimuli.
Bright and protruding, i wonder what it is.
I faced the light and held my hand toward the light.
It's felt warm and comforting.
Almost like it's hugging my hand.

Darkness consumes the bottom but almost always a small ray of light manages to slip through.
An illusion of hope, perhaps it's time to start moving.
I reach out , slowly I felt myself moving.
I felt the weight of my spirit and soul, I am not longer free floating.
I struggled to get myself upright.

The direction of bubbles orientates me.
Time has started ticking once more.
Inch by inch, I start my journey to the surface.
Longing for the warm of the sun.

Will I find the surface or Will I sink again ?
If I ever do reach the surface, will I be welcome by the sun or the moon ?

*update : I drown before I reached the surface*

Madness

My heart aches. I feel sad.
All I have left is an aching heart, beat up spirit and broken soul.
I have been chasing a phantom.

For as long as I know, I have wanted the best.
To be the best, I have given my utmost effort and sincerity, hoping that one day I can be successful.
Not that, I knew what success is, not that I know now.

Join a sport they say, go to the best university they say.
Be a all rounder.
Medal after medals, certificate after another.
I did just that.
Pouring everything that was in me, in the arena and on the test paper that would supposedly determine my future.

Years later, belting a few national title and having graduated from the top university in the world.
Where do I stand ? Where do I fit ? What now ?
I have finally clawed my way to the finish line that used to seem so out  reach.
There's nothing here but my broken body and my empty vessel.

Instead I spent my time, despising on how I utilised my life and missed out on my "youth".
Having to pass on many good times, saying no to things that I wanted to do.
The memories that were never made, the smiles that were not portrayed and the tears that were never shred.
I feel bitter. Meaningless.Useless.

While having something to chase, I was able to held my head levered if not high.
Nowadays, I find myself not even being able to look myself in the mirror, not to mention others.
It been awhile, I wonder how do you look like now.

Burying myself in fantasy and fiction.
Avoiding contact with the outside world.
I am a laughing joke now.
A shadow of my past self.

This is where I leave myself.
The darkness engulfes me, it nice and cosy here.
Trapped inside my own world, for there is no one to pass judgement on me but myself.
I am the judge,the prosecutor and the petrator.
I hereby sentenced myself to this endless feeling of hopelessness and emptiness.
My punishment : abandonment in the infinite darkness.

The air here is suffocating at times, my chest burns.
No one else is here, no one can hear me.
It feels like I am under the ocean, no one can hear my agony and pain.
Occasionally, a slight glimmer of hope appears.
Sadly,my plead for help falls short of anyone's hearing.
Nothing but a few air bubble.

I am so tired.
No one hears or sees my constant struggle.
Tasukete !
I am drowning in my own sorrow.
Leave me as I fade away into the deep.
Sayonara.

 ~END~

daijōbudesu

Everything's fine, everything will be fine.
What I am able to say would probably sound ridiculous but its feel right.

I have never stopped loving you, all of you, each and everyone one of you.
Though no frequently, I still think of you and wondered how you are doing.

Bonds. With the living and dead. With material and immaterial things.
We all long to have some sort of connection with one another.
No one truly desires to be alone.
It's a selfish world, everyone wants to be heard and no one is really willing to listen.
Everyone wants to be understood.

There is nothing to reap if you don't put care and attention into the relationships that you have.
Don't feel contented because the relationship that you have now may be lost one day.
That may or may not be a bad thing. I guess.
As we grow older, how we perceive the world changes.
Our preference changes and some us undergo drastic change while some of us remain exactly the same.

We all want to be someone,working towards to a particular moment.
My heart aches for something more but I cant tell what it is.
It troubles me alot because I cant seem to figure it out.

Lies and deception.
I am a master at lying.
The most common lie, are you alright, of course I AM FINE.
The next one , do you mind, NO I DONT.

Truth
I am a sore loser.
I dont enjoy losing at all.
Hence, I am keeping myself hidden until I am ready.

Random Writing

A sweet hint of honey. When I sleep, I don't dream.

If I do dream, I hope its a good one.

A nice house with a yard, a dog, a cat and you.

Dear future soulmate, where art thou.

Are you in the same dimension,timeline  or even universe.

Like a feather above a vase ocean, I float aimlessly for sometime, now I find myself on the surface of the water looking up into the blue sky.

Where am I, this familiar yet peculiar feeling daunts over me.

Not yet, its not time to open my eyes yet.

I dont wanna wake up from this dream and awoke into this walking darkness.

My thoughts echoes and insecurities plays about like a broken recorder.

There is nothing for me.

Would you come in your shiny armor and pull me out of my misery ?

I have issues and this is just one of them

I am done running.
After 4 years of running, I ended up at the same spot.
Nothing's changed,  I'm not any stronger but I have became more pathetic.
I am staying here even if I fail.

I was once told that I own a jar of hearts.
It's a funny situation when my own heart is broken,perhaps beyond repair.
It easier to break your own heart and keep it on a low.
To ensure that someone else could find their happiness.

Many things in life doesn't go how we want it to.
No matter how much we tried or put up with it, it just doesn't turn out to be the way we wanted it.

I have put my heart and head into moving on but I am still here, at the same point where I left years ago.
I thought by saying aloud : I do not need you anymore, you mean nothing to me, you do not matter, I am fine. I have moved on.
Those words are the worst one could ever have to say to make anyone feel better about about themselves.
Sometimes, there is just a need to be the bad person in the picture.
Its a double blade sword but one hurts deeper than the other and the sword remains with that person.

Immature love, naive dreams and being hopeful.
That's youth.
I have missed it all by trying to be a adult when I should be acting recklessly and having fun.

Here is where I leave you.
Buried deep in me, your name appears amongst the others before you.
A long list of ex-crushes/lovers.

How I wished I could seal my heart shut and not feel hurt anymore.
How unfair is the world !

When I said I have moved on that was " watashi no uso ".
I thought it was the truth but I realise afterwards.

Always putting others above me, typical.
So typical, it just another stab in the heart, what's the difference ?

So here I am, staying put.
Tempted to put it all into a corner and put a lit on it.

Last day in bangkok

I found myself not wanting to move.
Would the world stop if I stop moving ?
Being sad, sadness takes away the color in life. Nothing seems exciting and worth venturing anymore.
It keeps one from wanting more and dreaming of fairly tales.
It's a very small and safe place.
As time passes the passage narrows and everything seems darker and smaller.
You become content and think this is my life.
Wanting to love and be loved.
Is that such a big crime ?
Doesn't love come from the inside ?
Why does  gender matter ?

Saying goodbye to my first

I have the tendency to fall in love fast. I knew you were the one, the moment I first laid my hands on you.

I remembered the day that I was able to call you mine. That day was the beautiful.

What's I'm losing is not a car. It's my constant and shelter. It's not just a car, it was my freedom. I do not have anything in Melbourne that I could called my own. But I have momo. You took to many places that I would have never been able to.

Shelter me and provided me with a space that I could called mine and a place where I could express my emotions be it anger, happiness and tears.

You are my first big commitment here. It's been an honor and I know you would continue to serve other well.

With you gone, there goes the last thing that was holding me back.

You will be missed. So long momo.

The timer has been reset, t-minus less than a week.

Picture taken on day one

A Message for you

Dear You,

A1101,2011.

It's hard to believe that six years has passed.

I remembered seeing you in a few classes before IELTS, you appeared so unapproachable back then.

I am glad that we somehow gotten to know each other.

Lately, the same feeling daunts me.

You seemed so far away, beyond reach.

Closure.

From clear skies to dense dark clouds.

So thick that no light shines through and the life beneath it starts dying.

I have been struggling over silly things, I thought I was better than this.

The consequences of not wanting to let go has impacted my way of life.

I feel like a black hole  in an inescapable void.Darkness consumes me.

I hope one day,I would be able to improve.

I do not regret what we had, truth to be told if I could do it diffferently I would but I guess it things were meant to be ,there isnt a point in changing them.
I am selfish maybe that's why I do not like to eat fish but enjoy being around them.
Lol

I do not like to give up/in without at least trying.

I feel old, it's been 6 year since we first met.

Looking back. Now and then.

Years have passed and I have changed, perhaps  changed beyond recognition.

So did you, into a mature and bold lady .(ps.nice hair)

We had our fair share of good and bad memories today.

From strangers to friend to good friend and now what we have essentially a sunkship(not a friendship).

At times, I wonder if I am/was the toxic one in the relationship.

Perhaps I am. I am pretty sure I'm at fault.

I do not know if you are aware but there were days where I really wanted to salvage what we had but the tension in the air and awkwardness puts me off.

I struggled to utter a single word and often take back what I said.

It's been going on for too long.

The time has come, for me to not grasp onto something that's just not going to work.

No more trying.

It's just seems like you no longer take a interest anymore, what used to matter no longers does. We have outgrown and worn out this friendship.

I will spare us from the awkward moments and emotional distress.

I had been selfish by buying more time to hope to revive something that was dead.

Nevertheless,  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the memories.

Be free, be happy and continue growing into the beautiful person that you are.

Not everyone you lose is a lost. You just do not need me anymore. I do not belong in the future chapters.

If there needs to be a bad person for this tragedy. put the blame on me.

I sincerely wish you all the time and all the luck in the world.

Co-captain of the ship, signing off permanently and I bid my farewells as I sink with the ship.

sorrows.

Broken spirit and broken heart.

No passion nor desire.

Feeling like a nobody.

Burnt bridges, sunk ships,hatred and regrets.

All things negative, it's even reflected in my memories.

Sometimes I wonder, how much longer ?

Its been a real tiring journey.

No more baggages as I do not wish to proceed.

Come what may, I am ready.

Failure

It's beyond me.

They say you are only given what you are able to handle.

Well, I'm sure I'm past that point.

There is nothing to look forward to.

No one will even realise my absence.  

Doubts filled my thoughts.

I feel displaced, I do not belong here nor there.

Floating aimlessly and without any bearing.

I have lost all sense of direction and I am lost.

No one to hold onto and nothing to hold me down.

Would anyone even notice my disappearance ?