Never moving on

I wonder if you think about me too ?

Every now and then, I find myself smiling.

Tear of joy comes over me, I am finally over you.

5 years has come and past.

That’s how long it took.

But still I wonder if you think of me?

I will never moved on as I gave you a part of me. 

That part was never returned and I doubt you will ever returned it.

I left that part somewhere in a bin in KLCC. 

I guess that's just part of life.

Comfort zone

Time, purpose, sense of being and comfort zone. 

Lunch at Hwatu(Korean restaurant) every once a week. Without fail,Spicy pork belly stew. 

Heading to Thai restaurant ? Pad Thai without fail.

My choice of food is the least of my problems. 

What do you want to do today ? 

I don't know what do you want to do. 

I always end up doing what others wants to do while neglecting my own desires. 

Hey you want to do this today ? 

Erm, I have plans but okay sure. 

Hey do you mind doing this for me ?

Yea, I mind but sure I'll do it. 

Living in the shadow of others. 

Fulfilling none of my own desires. 

Longing to throw in the white towel. 

Fuel by unhappiness just because of what I see on social media. 

Jealousy is so below me yet I am affected by it. 

Traumatised by my own experience. 

Doubt is doubting but the urge to do something is overwhelming. 

Break free ! Break free ! 

Bound by the chains of my past, nothing changes. 

Just daydreams and nightmares. 

It's been awhile since I have a good night sleep. 

Dreams, where have you gone to. 

Who erased you from my dictionary? 

I pick up the broken pieces, slowing assembly them piece by piece. 

Bloody hand as the memories of my past still hurts, sharp edges. 

Dripping red, should I take a step forward or should I wave my white flag. 

As I wave my white flag, it is drenched in red. 

Am I strong enough to carry this red flag ? 

I dont know you

Hey there,

I don't know you.
Under the same roof, in close proximity.
_  _ _ _ _ _ship, or whatever you call it.
It seems more like a sinking ship.
We are reaching rock bottom.
I feel like unwanted an old childhood toy that got left behind in the storeroom.
Bound by the law of gravity, I stay put.
You feel my presence, you know where to look .
Where are you ?
Days and months passed by, the distance between us drew apart.
Through the hole in the wall, I see your shadow as you passed by.
My head filled up with words but not a word was uttered.
Season passed, my mouth feel heavy.
That is when we stopped talking.

Perhaps I should take this sinking ship back to shore while I can.
A house that used to be filled with laughter and joy.
All I feel know is resentment and dead silence.
I know I am terrible at relationship but this took me by surprise.
Perhaps, its time to part ways.
A white flag was raised,not from my hand but yours.
Seeing the flag, I looked at my hands drenched in red.

We have officially murdered this friendship.
As the captain of this ship, I bid my farewells and sink into the deep ends.
I take with me only the childish and bright memories.

Deep into the dark, I vanish.

No matter how old and unpleasant it is.
It was once a place I called home.
3 floors high,I climbed the mighty stairs everyday to reach this place called home.
A place where I took shelter when the wind blew strongly outside.
A place where I kept warm during the freezing winter.
A place away from home.
Home away from home.
Memories floods this place.
Sound of laughter and tears echo the four walls of this familiar place.
That arm chair that sits at the center of the room, that was my throne.
Where I sat and drew my plan to conquer what seemed like the world at that time.
How naive was I.
It is also where I sat and sharpen my knifes for battles.
The pleasure and pain that was experienced on that chair.
Resimince.
How life was when I was an university student in Melbourne.

I find myself questioning my own thinking and decisions.
It is incredibly easy to go through life forgetting/not knowing how to live.
Mechanical, forgetting what it means to feel alive.
A ship without an anchor in a storm.
A dog without an owner or a pack he can call his own.
I have lost the need to be wanted.
Lost the joy in my life.
All things are just a bore and time is no longer precious.
I am just waiting for the end.
To end this emptiness.
A body without a soul.
A host with no  feelings.
Is it time yet ?
 

My current state is life,
breathing as living.
No purpose, no passion and definitely no direction.
Surrounded by four walls by day and night.
Longing to cling onto the outside world but
there is nothing anchor me down.
A pull as strong and persistent as gravity pull my
weak hearted back in my four walls.
I am trapped within my own walls.
No desire nor aim.
How meaningless this life of mine.