Madness

My heart aches. I feel sad.
All I have left is an aching heart, beat up spirit and broken soul.
I have been chasing a phantom.

For as long as I know, I have wanted the best.
To be the best, I have given my utmost effort and sincerity, hoping that one day I can be successful.
Not that, I knew what success is, not that I know now.

Join a sport they say, go to the best university they say.
Be a all rounder.
Medal after medals, certificate after another.
I did just that.
Pouring everything that was in me, in the arena and on the test paper that would supposedly determine my future.

Years later, belting a few national title and having graduated from the top university in the world.
Where do I stand ? Where do I fit ? What now ?
I have finally clawed my way to the finish line that used to seem so out  reach.
There's nothing here but my broken body and my empty vessel.

Instead I spent my time, despising on how I utilised my life and missed out on my "youth".
Having to pass on many good times, saying no to things that I wanted to do.
The memories that were never made, the smiles that were not portrayed and the tears that were never shred.
I feel bitter. Meaningless.Useless.

While having something to chase, I was able to held my head levered if not high.
Nowadays, I find myself not even being able to look myself in the mirror, not to mention others.
It been awhile, I wonder how do you look like now.

Burying myself in fantasy and fiction.
Avoiding contact with the outside world.
I am a laughing joke now.
A shadow of my past self.

This is where I leave myself.
The darkness engulfes me, it nice and cosy here.
Trapped inside my own world, for there is no one to pass judgement on me but myself.
I am the judge,the prosecutor and the petrator.
I hereby sentenced myself to this endless feeling of hopelessness and emptiness.
My punishment : abandonment in the infinite darkness.

The air here is suffocating at times, my chest burns.
No one else is here, no one can hear me.
It feels like I am under the ocean, no one can hear my agony and pain.
Occasionally, a slight glimmer of hope appears.
Sadly,my plead for help falls short of anyone's hearing.
Nothing but a few air bubble.

I am so tired.
No one hears or sees my constant struggle.
Tasukete !
I am drowning in my own sorrow.
Leave me as I fade away into the deep.
Sayonara.

 ~END~