Holding onto a thread of hope

What if there is no silver lining ?
No rainbow after the rain.

Am I blind not to see it or does it not exist.
Imagine hiking a mountain and at the peak , all you see is nothing.
You are back to square one.

What does all the pain and suffering represent ?
What a waste of time !
Yet I find myself, holding onto a rope of hope.
Day by day, I see the thread break off.
My hand drenched in blood.
I feel like letting go.

It will all be gone one day.

I am struggling.
I find myself, zoning out into nothing.
Time passes without me realizing it.
Everything seems meaningless.
My life has started to lose its color.
Familiar faces seems so distant, unrecognizable.

This, this was unplanned, I never thought this could happen.
I never thought I could sink so low.
Negative thoughts pays me a visit every now and then.
Oddly, I have no desire to live nor to die.
Probably because no one knows if death is better.


All I feel is self-pity.
When will I wake up from this nightmare ?

How NOT to heal a broken heart

It's in my belief that the heart and the mind are connected.
All physical wounds will eventually heal.
Perhaps the damaged part could be restored  to its original function.
But it would never revert back to it's original state.
Sometimes, the body becomes stronger by building muscle around the affected part.
Much could be said about that.
I dont think I should elaborate much on it
What do I know anyway, I am just here to talk about myself.

What about the matters of the heart ?
I wonder if you could break a heart, metaphorically speaking, beyond repair that one could never love or love normally again.

Sad music makes you want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it.
Being alone, makes you want to lock yourself up and be consumed by the silence.
Watching romance genre material makes you feel pathetic and you give up on doing anything because you are convinced that nothing can ever fill the void.
Spending all your time on the net, finding things that you don't need, just wasting time, destroying yourself.
Looking down because you dont want to have any connection with anyone else.
Keeping quietly as you are afraid that you'll start brawling and breakdown.

Tick Tock Tick Tock,
Time slipping past  my bare hands.
Nothing can ever be right again.
Broken heart = Broken Spirit = destined to fail at everything

The heart affects the mind and the mind affect the body.
Everything starts and ends with the heart.

Now is when I stop fantasizing because my heart has withered.

Downhill, destination rock bottom

I cannot pinpoint when my life started going downhill.
I cannot remember the last time I was happy.
The slope seems endless,every time I thought I was at rock bottom, I sink further.

At one point, I lift my head up.
Annoyed by a foreign yet familiar stimuli.
Bright and protruding, i wonder what it is.
I faced the light and held my hand toward the light.
It's felt warm and comforting.
Almost like it's hugging my hand.

Darkness consumes the bottom but almost always a small ray of light manages to slip through.
An illusion of hope, perhaps it's time to start moving.
I reach out , slowly I felt myself moving.
I felt the weight of my spirit and soul, I am not longer free floating.
I struggled to get myself upright.

The direction of bubbles orientates me.
Time has started ticking once more.
Inch by inch, I start my journey to the surface.
Longing for the warm of the sun.

Will I find the surface or Will I sink again ?
If I ever do reach the surface, will I be welcome by the sun or the moon ?

*update : I drown before I reached the surface*

Madness

My heart aches. I feel sad.
All I have left is an aching heart, beat up spirit and broken soul.
I have been chasing a phantom.

For as long as I know, I have wanted the best.
To be the best, I have given my utmost effort and sincerity, hoping that one day I can be successful.
Not that, I knew what success is, not that I know now.

Join a sport they say, go to the best university they say.
Be a all rounder.
Medal after medals, certificate after another.
I did just that.
Pouring everything that was in me, in the arena and on the test paper that would supposedly determine my future.

Years later, belting a few national title and having graduated from the top university in the world.
Where do I stand ? Where do I fit ? What now ?
I have finally clawed my way to the finish line that used to seem so out  reach.
There's nothing here but my broken body and my empty vessel.

Instead I spent my time, despising on how I utilised my life and missed out on my "youth".
Having to pass on many good times, saying no to things that I wanted to do.
The memories that were never made, the smiles that were not portrayed and the tears that were never shred.
I feel bitter. Meaningless.Useless.

While having something to chase, I was able to held my head levered if not high.
Nowadays, I find myself not even being able to look myself in the mirror, not to mention others.
It been awhile, I wonder how do you look like now.

Burying myself in fantasy and fiction.
Avoiding contact with the outside world.
I am a laughing joke now.
A shadow of my past self.

This is where I leave myself.
The darkness engulfes me, it nice and cosy here.
Trapped inside my own world, for there is no one to pass judgement on me but myself.
I am the judge,the prosecutor and the petrator.
I hereby sentenced myself to this endless feeling of hopelessness and emptiness.
My punishment : abandonment in the infinite darkness.

The air here is suffocating at times, my chest burns.
No one else is here, no one can hear me.
It feels like I am under the ocean, no one can hear my agony and pain.
Occasionally, a slight glimmer of hope appears.
Sadly,my plead for help falls short of anyone's hearing.
Nothing but a few air bubble.

I am so tired.
No one hears or sees my constant struggle.
Tasukete !
I am drowning in my own sorrow.
Leave me as I fade away into the deep.
Sayonara.

 ~END~

daijōbudesu

Everything's fine, everything will be fine.
What I am able to say would probably sound ridiculous but its feel right.

I have never stopped loving you, all of you, each and everyone one of you.
Though no frequently, I still think of you and wondered how you are doing.

Bonds. With the living and dead. With material and immaterial things.
We all long to have some sort of connection with one another.
No one truly desires to be alone.
It's a selfish world, everyone wants to be heard and no one is really willing to listen.
Everyone wants to be understood.

There is nothing to reap if you don't put care and attention into the relationships that you have.
Don't feel contented because the relationship that you have now may be lost one day.
That may or may not be a bad thing. I guess.
As we grow older, how we perceive the world changes.
Our preference changes and some us undergo drastic change while some of us remain exactly the same.

We all want to be someone,working towards to a particular moment.
My heart aches for something more but I cant tell what it is.
It troubles me alot because I cant seem to figure it out.

Lies and deception.
I am a master at lying.
The most common lie, are you alright, of course I AM FINE.
The next one , do you mind, NO I DONT.

Truth
I am a sore loser.
I dont enjoy losing at all.
Hence, I am keeping myself hidden until I am ready.

Random Writing

A sweet hint of honey. When I sleep, I don't dream.

If I do dream, I hope its a good one.

A nice house with a yard, a dog, a cat and you.

Dear future soulmate, where art thou.

Are you in the same dimension,timeline  or even universe.

Like a feather above a vase ocean, I float aimlessly for sometime, now I find myself on the surface of the water looking up into the blue sky.

Where am I, this familiar yet peculiar feeling daunts over me.

Not yet, its not time to open my eyes yet.

I dont wanna wake up from this dream and awoke into this walking darkness.

My thoughts echoes and insecurities plays about like a broken recorder.

There is nothing for me.

Would you come in your shiny armor and pull me out of my misery ?

I have issues and this is just one of them

I am done running.
After 4 years of running, I ended up at the same spot.
Nothing's changed,  I'm not any stronger but I have became more pathetic.
I am staying here even if I fail.

I was once told that I own a jar of hearts.
It's a funny situation when my own heart is broken,perhaps beyond repair.
It easier to break your own heart and keep it on a low.
To ensure that someone else could find their happiness.

Many things in life doesn't go how we want it to.
No matter how much we tried or put up with it, it just doesn't turn out to be the way we wanted it.

I have put my heart and head into moving on but I am still here, at the same point where I left years ago.
I thought by saying aloud : I do not need you anymore, you mean nothing to me, you do not matter, I am fine. I have moved on.
Those words are the worst one could ever have to say to make anyone feel better about about themselves.
Sometimes, there is just a need to be the bad person in the picture.
Its a double blade sword but one hurts deeper than the other and the sword remains with that person.

Immature love, naive dreams and being hopeful.
That's youth.
I have missed it all by trying to be a adult when I should be acting recklessly and having fun.

Here is where I leave you.
Buried deep in me, your name appears amongst the others before you.
A long list of ex-crushes/lovers.

How I wished I could seal my heart shut and not feel hurt anymore.
How unfair is the world !

When I said I have moved on that was " watashi no uso ".
I thought it was the truth but I realise afterwards.

Always putting others above me, typical.
So typical, it just another stab in the heart, what's the difference ?

So here I am, staying put.
Tempted to put it all into a corner and put a lit on it.