放过你，也许也是在放过自己.

It’s currently 1:21 a.m. in Melbourne on a Sunday. I can’t sleep — or more accurately, I can’t bring myself to fall asleep. I’m feeling a little more than usual tonight — a lingering sense of tiredness and heaviness in my heart.

I’ve been stuck in a hopeless loop for the past eleven years, yearning for someone who will never be mine — not in this lifetime, anyway. Holding both myself and you hostage in a situationship that is neither real nor acknowledged. It’s all just in my head — my one-sided love, my unrequited love, to be exact. I’ve been imposing on your life, making it complicated and impossible for us to step out of this loop.

I have zero doubt that I loved you with all my heart. I’m sure I still do, but I think I’m at the brink of exhaustion. I think I can finally rest, knowing that I’ve given it my all. I dreamt of an impossible future for us — one where we would have been so happy together. One where I could wake up next to the person I love in the morning, staring at the most adorable being in this world.

I would run my fingers over your face and through your hair, pulling you close and cuddling with you in bed. I’d breathe in your scent and feel your warmth under the blankets. You’d try to wiggle away after a while, but I’d just hold you tighter. I would have been the happiest person in the world in that moment. But that thought is always interrupted by a phrase I’ve heard too many times, echoing in my mind: “就没有可能.” 

I’ve given it my all, right? I’ve done everything I could, right?

I still think about the nights and the opportunities that were missed — moments when I could have crossed boundaries and risked it all. I wonder if that would have changed anything. I should have known better — known that I broke our friendship the moment I caught feelings for you. Instead, we stepped into this loop — a loop of endless gray lines, confusion, and chaos.

Your silence pierces through my heart like a dagger every single time I confess my desire and love for you. It messes with my mind as I try to fill the void with my own interpretations — with fantasies and what-ifs.

Is it time to step off this loop?
To let myself free-fall into the pit of darkness and despair — to let it consume me? I hope I survive this impending misery. Maybe one day I’ll resurface, refreshed and with a better outlook on life. Until then, my heart aches, and the void feels unbearable — longing for someone unattainable.

Perhaps walking away means giving us both space to grow. And maybe — just maybe — we’ll find our way back to each other someday, if it’s truly meant to be.

I will always wish the best for you. But if one day you find someone worthy of being by your side, please make sure he or she treats you better than I ever did — and better than I ever could.

I take my leave

 Undefined relationship. 

What does that mean ?

I know for a fact that we aren't just friends but we aren't a thing or an item neither for the sole reason that we cant be.   

So where does that leave us ?

What we currently have is a hot mess and an impending chapter of mental breakdowns/heartaches. 

What I feel stays deeply hidden within myself, these feelings I cant never express. 

I have been living in the present, enjoying every single moment I can spend with you. 

The thought hurts, we could have been so darn good for each other. 

But that can never be. 

I know... I understand ... 

As I put myself in your shoe, I feel your pain and the burden on your shoulder. 

My love for you is plenty but it can never replace blood and pride. 

I wish you all the best but please dont ask me to give you up. 

You were never mine to hold.

Dont ask for my blessing when you become someone's one day.

TBH, I never intended to leave but i feel the need to go. 

Otherwise, how the heck am I supposed to let go ?

You are the person I love the most in this world and if I do, I must let you free ~ 

 A journey of 8 years comes to an end. 

I shall return to where it all started, alone. 

Reflection

 One day, I will look back and think to myself:' how foolish, were you thinking straight? '. And I mumbled to myself, of course I wasnt thinking straight because I'm can't as I'm not. (lol) 

I open myself up when I'm with you, enabling you to hurt me over and over again. The thought of hurting you kills me but the pain from sword embedded within my chest worsens. I can take it, I can take it. The question is do I want to continue or do I have to? 

I'm done wrecking my mental health. I think the time has come for me to make my grand exit. 

With titles as a disguise, I'm in but I can never call you mine. Friendzoned as they said.

Supppresing my feelings and silencing my freedom of speech. I was held captived by your presence. A shadow that I never want to get out from. Or, am I just afraid? 

It's time. 

To pack up and step up from your shadow. 

It's about time to find my muse and my person. 

Good bye bao bao. 

Darkness

 In the darkness, you lose you bearings.

Am I standing? 

Am I upright? 

You loose your sense of direction.

The silence is deafening but yet I still hear your faint voice. 

My thoughts silenced but I still vaguely remember the outline of your body. 

I try to call and reach out to you but there Is nothing.

I cannot speak nor move. 

I am trapped within the darkness within me.

The day I realise

 Self awareness is key to one's survival.

Be wary of your surrounding, danger lurks at every corner. 

I'm confident that I'm pretty tune in with my surroundings.

The realization that you are the source of my pains feels like salt in a wound. 

The wounds is almost healed, yet your thorns still embedded within me. It's mingle itself around my inner being. Twisted and knotted within me. I have never stopped loving you in the manner that I shouldn't. . 

We avoid the subject. 

We avoid the awkwardness. 

Yet I'm forced into behaving as if nothing had changed. It pains me. 

To show so much love to someone who will never resonate to me. 

Someone whom will eventually cast me away and I will just be someone you used to know. 

I feel the need to just run and just ripped out the thorn within me.  

The risk of bleeding out is real but the phantom pain and imminent threat of death outweighs it all. 

I am hurting, to love is to bleed. 

I am bleeding out, will someone come save me? 

Self-oblivious by choice

The reason to break free
I foresaw a new beginning in a new country where I had dreamt of rediscovering myself and moving toward a life where I could be finally happy and freed from my self-confinement.
I wanted to be in a new environment to hear myself again, to get away from the noise, confront those self condemning thought inside my head and tune into the inaudible voice that was once so loud and filled with confidence.
In hopes that in the moment of silence, I will remember the person I used to be.

When everything goes south
25th of June 2020 ( the date this is posted)
It has been 3 months since I was supposed to board my flight to Auckland on the 23rd of March.
I have been a hard worker all my life, believing hard work always rewards.
It took me longer that expected and I have dealt with various speed bump during my life.
If Covid-19 did not exist, I can only imagine what could have been my " new life ".
Being confined with immense uncertainty used to be one of my biggest fear.
Why do I say used to ?
Well, I am currently dealing with the uncertainty on a regular basis.

During the past 3 months, I have dealt with anger and sadness.
Depression is often closeby, waiting for me in the corner of my dark room.
It is a comfortable place to be, it engulfs you and slowly eats away at your soul until there is nothing left to salvage.
There were days that seems endless and all I wanted was the world to end.
I sat in front of my computer all night, looking and searching for news about borders reopening.
At one point, I could even claimed to know more about the happenings in New Zealand than the Kiwis themselves.
To be hopeful, then crushed and taken down twice as hard each day as everyone moves forward and the Covid 19 situation slowly improves, but with no changes for people in my position, it  does things to you.

Acceptance
It came to the point , where one must ask :" when will this end ?".
There were days where I would just lay in bed and wrapped myself in my comforter.
Hoping to not wake up the next day because a day without a future and things to look forward was just meaningless and it was pointless to wake up and exist in the world.

I feel myself getting smaller and my voice inaudible.
I cant take this anymore, I just don't want to.
Just set me free already.



Having said that, here I am writing about this.
It just means that I am still surviving.
If I continued, doing what I have done, I can tell you with certainty that I would had either gone mad or just ended doing something really silly.
When I was in my darkest time, I was torn about because my entire situation could have been avoided if I just sticked with my original plans(original flight 16th of March).
I would have been in Auckland right now, as my flight would have departed and arrived before the border closure both in Malaysia and New Zealand.

Reasoning 
The reason to feel mad was the reason behind the changed plans : so there was a girl that I deeply care for and truly love, in order to spend more time and prepare my forever goodbye, I postpone my flight as per her request.
Despite having a bad feeling about it, I made the changes.
Mindfully aware of the situation in China and Coronavirus making it's way all over the world.
With mixed messages coming from World Leaders, I mean when the Wuhan city was locked down, was that not a big sign already ?
What was I doing ?
I was for once in my life, BEING OPTIMISTIC.
Trusting that things were still under control and I still have time.
Time to ease the pain and not rip myself apart for my heart that was insanely in love with you.
That was strike one.

Strike two was when I contemplated leaving the country the day when the lockdown in Malaysia was announced and decided not to act, I still had a couple of hours to leave.
Should I have taken the opportunity and left ?
I could continue living in that moment, thinking of the what if(s).
I can but I simply won't because the one thing that I cannot do is to continue lying to myself.
I am a fool for love, someone that is stupid enough to put love above all.
If the whole scenario replayed in another universe, I am confident, the decision would have been the same.

Overwhelmed and having no one other than myself to blame.
It is easy to want to shift the blame to someone else.
It is easier to be angry at someone over a situation that was beyond one's control.
To find a direction where anger can be vent and directed to.
I secretly did so, regretted to have cared so much.
Secretly blamed her but the more I did so, the hurt just intensified.
The things is, I know, she would be doing the same to herself and I just could not bare seeing/hearing her cry.

All too often, when things get hard, it is easier to get shut the world out and just give up.
I am grateful that the word and act of "giving out" pisses me off.
We often find ourselves in the "past" and looking at the possible "future", while forgetting that we live in the present.
If you dont do anything now , there is only be "the past" and the future will just be bleak.

While my world was spinning out of control, I connected with "R" on a emotionally level and reconnected with a highschool senior whom I shall referred to as "W".
These connections that seems so insignificant were lifelines.
W whipped my pathetic soul into gear.
Getting criticized by someone usually is a big NO NO for me but in this case,it was just what I needed, I was pissed and my pride was under attacked and it turned into drive to move.
To take charge of the wheel again and stop the vessel from spinning out of hand.

I started making a realistic assessment on my shitty situation.
I started looking at the positive side of things even though the negative outnumbered the positive.
The reason behind this drive ?
I wanted to stand firmly on my own two feet again with my head held high.
I have always lived my life with a high horse ( my confidence ) because I always sort of knew what I wanted to achieve or at least stay truth to my pride and self-worth.
I also wanted "R" to stop worrying about me and stop blaming herself.

All things can be rationalised :
1) I have suffered massive financial losses for unable to commence work in Auckland
     My solution ? Go make more money.
2) New Zealand denied migrant workers from entering.
    My response : Screw you, I hope your economy suffers and I shall upskill myself, I can always go elsewhere when all this ends but you will never recover from your shameful acts.
3) Jobless
     My action : To reach out to companies that I previously rejected and offer myself and the company and opportunity .Otherwise, apply with other companies. The ocean is my oyster. 
4) Trapped from the very thing I was trying to run away from
     My thinking : To change the type of love I have for 'R" and accept the love that R could give me and ask for nothing more.

I cannot speak for everyone but I often it easier to do things for others than myself.
The motivation and fire intensified.
In simple words, I feel the need to be look up upon and be a "hero".
I gain strength and courage from those around me.
They inspire me to go further and try harder.
I also contribute my need to be better as a reason to not let my life end here.

Realisation
In times of trouble, you see the people whom have been and will continue to be there for you, irregardless if you want them to linger around.
It is going to be a tough uphill battle, to mend my pride and my career.
Back to square one it seems.
It's fine because right now, I feel like I have a mountain to back me up.

I live and strive to be better for those around me.
If you dont feel worthy, the solution is easy, surround yourself with amazing people who doesnt care what you are worth and work to be a better person.
Before you know it, you were just a coal on its way to being a diamond.
Tough and shines brightly together with those that you love.

So, Covid 19 and those who were "unkind" during these times, FUCK YOU, YOU AND EVERYONE SINGLE ONE OF YOU.