It’s currently 1:21 a.m. in Melbourne on a Sunday. I can’t sleep — or more accurately, I can’t bring myself to fall asleep. I’m feeling a little more than usual tonight — a lingering sense of tiredness and heaviness in my heart.
I’ve been stuck in a hopeless loop for the past eleven years, yearning for someone who will never be mine — not in this lifetime, anyway. Holding both myself and you hostage in a situationship that is neither real nor acknowledged. It’s all just in my head — my one-sided love, my unrequited love, to be exact. I’ve been imposing on your life, making it complicated and impossible for us to step out of this loop.
I have zero doubt that I loved you with all my heart. I’m sure I still do, but I think I’m at the brink of exhaustion. I think I can finally rest, knowing that I’ve given it my all. I dreamt of an impossible future for us — one where we would have been so happy together. One where I could wake up next to the person I love in the morning, staring at the most adorable being in this world.
I would run my fingers over your face and through your hair, pulling you close and cuddling with you in bed. I’d breathe in your scent and feel your warmth under the blankets. You’d try to wiggle away after a while, but I’d just hold you tighter. I would have been the happiest person in the world in that moment. But that thought is always interrupted by a phrase I’ve heard too many times, echoing in my mind: “就没有可能.”
I’ve given it my all, right? I’ve done everything I could, right?
I still think about the nights and the opportunities that were missed — moments when I could have crossed boundaries and risked it all. I wonder if that would have changed anything. I should have known better — known that I broke our friendship the moment I caught feelings for you. Instead, we stepped into this loop — a loop of endless gray lines, confusion, and chaos.
Your silence pierces through my heart like a dagger every single time I confess my desire and love for you. It messes with my mind as I try to fill the void with my own interpretations — with fantasies and what-ifs.
Is it time to step off this loop?
To let myself free-fall into the pit of darkness and despair — to let it consume me? I hope I survive this impending misery. Maybe one day I’ll resurface, refreshed and with a better outlook on life. Until then, my heart aches, and the void feels unbearable — longing for someone unattainable.
Perhaps walking away means giving us both space to grow. And maybe — just maybe — we’ll find our way back to each other someday, if it’s truly meant to be.
I will always wish the best for you. But if one day you find someone worthy of being by your side, please make sure he or she treats you better than I ever did — and better than I ever could.
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