Feelings come but they do not go

Reading Discretion (Does this even exist ? Who cares ? I do not):
Please be advised that writing is my form of expressing the thoughts that has been cooked and bottled up in my soul. The things that I write may or may not be true. 
If you are reading this, thank you but no thank you, I do not want your pity and no ,I do not want your help unless that is if you are my soulmate then I say to you "WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE" ? 

I once believe that life would be too boring if everything just goes by perfectly.
It's just one of those comforting lies I tell myself in order to feel better and continue to have the desire to continue existing in this world, that I personally feel has it out for me ( I bet many of you feel the same as well).
One bump over another, I have fallen, brushed off the dirt on my knees and continued to walk forward.
Bled and bruised.
The road ahead seemed so bright but beyond reach, nothing within my grasp.
I let out a sigh and laid on the ground, hoping to for something to happen.
As expected, nothing happened, besides a few mosquito stings, well thank you very much ~. 
I wonder if those up above are just trying to push me to the stage where I will just take a walk out and end things.
Truth to be told ?
I can't remember the number of times where I wanted to walk into the platform as the trains pass by, the times that I wanted to leap in front of a car while waiting for the light to turn green and the times I wanted to stop breathing underwater.
Am I ? Was I suicidal ?
Who cares ? I certainly don't, I just wanted a simple happy life.
One that does not seemed to exist.
Instead, I hoped for a sudden death, a death where I don't have to be held responsible for taking one's life which is ironically my own.
Also to spare others for blaming themselves for not knowing or "accidently" ending my sad pathetic life.
If it ever happens, don't be overly sad, I am sure I would be a little sad as I would not get the chance to tell the people I love how much I cared for them but I am just to tired of life.

And. If you see the lass I used to be before my world darken would you please spare a moment for her and give her a long solid hug.

Over and out.